Stuck In Her Daydream.

I did it. I went and talked to the Dean of Music. NEVER in my life I have ever been more intimidated, my hands were sweating like crazy and I felt very, very small. It's not that I didn't know what to say, because I knew exactly what I wanted to discuss. I wanted a music therapy program at BYU more than anything. I wanted to be one of the first to start this pioneer program. However, there are always brick walls set up when you dream big. In this case, I hit a 20 foot tall, 6 foot thick steel wall.

"I'm afraid that starting a music therapy program will take at least 5 years to actually start," he said, "This building only has a certain capacity to teach in, so we would have to stop one of our current programs, rehire new professors, start a curriculum, and by that time, you would be done with school."

Yep. As far as I know that counts as a dead halt in my dream. We discussed several other options such as attending anther school with a music therapy program (I would rather shoot myself than go to the University of Utah), getting a BA in Music from BYU, and then transferring to a grad school, or majoring in Psychology and minoring in Music. Problem? I didn't feel good about any of those options. Not one. I know there's a great program back home at ASU for music therapy, but I just came to BYU, and I feel like my work is not finished here.

So now I have to plan. Every dream needs a game plan right? I've been looking at numerous schools I could attend. (Got to keep my options open.) Berklee, Boyer, Julliard, etc, etc. My issue with these schools is that they're all back east. Not that it's a huge dilemma, but the Democrats and I don't really get along. Next option- Music programs at BYU. The ones I would want to pursue include BA in Music, BM in Music Education, or BM of Music Performance. I would have to get a piano instructor within the next two weeks and be ready by January with a piece by Bach, Mozart, a contemporary composer and have all my scales ready to go. (In case you don't know, THAT'S CRAZY.) And I'm not all that interested in Psychology anymore. Doesn't appeal to me the way music does.

So. That's what I've got so far. More updates to come.

<3

Unwritten.

Believe it or not, I am quite indecisive.

Since I was about 5 years old, I have been taking piano lessons. They meant very little to me at first. Practicing notes over and over again never was my idea of "fun". But then I got better. I practiced more. And suddenly, I loved it. And when I say I loved it, I mean that there is nothing else I would rather do in this world than play the piano to my heart's content. This is not your average "I took lessons when I was 5 and became a concert pianist" story. Unlike most of those stories, I stopped taking lessons. I quit. (I really hate that phrase.)

But now, sitting here at BYU, wondering what I am supposed to be doing, while sitting alone in a music practice room wondering why the heck I stopped taking lessons, a little light was shed on my problem. WHO SAID I CAN'T START AGAIN? I stopped my junior year of high school, so technically I've only been "out of shape" for a year, which is manageable.

I know exactly what your thinking. "There is no way you need to be 'in shape' to play the piano."
Oh believe me. You do. I always compare it like this- If you are a star athlete and MVP of the year, do you practice only an hour a day? You wouldn't dream of it! That's just like piano. You need to practice several hours a day to come out on top. And I'm ready to take that challenge on again, if the conditions permit.

My book is definitely still unwritten, but I'm grateful for little moments like today that help come one step closer to finding out what I want to be and what the Lord would have me do.

Scary stuff, growing up, isn't it?

Women of God.

It's been quite the weekend! In a nutshell, pretty much everything I hoped to happen, happened. Sometimes you just need a little faith and a little luck to get through those rough days. So what happened? Welp, I got asked on date, got tickets to my first concert, wrote a very thought provoking essay, and I made a REAL schedule for my week. And, I may or may not be crushing on a boy.... :)

Today was an excellent Sunday. When I say excellent, I mean it really was beyond my expectations, and I felt very inspired. Our bishop gave the lesson today in Relief Society, on being like Women of God, not like women of the world. One of my favorite quotes was brought up:

What an inspired message. And it's so true, is it not? Women are so degraded today in our world. How sad that the world can't help women become how God truly seems them. I hope one day each and every woman will understand her full potential to be all that God wants her to be. 

Let's have a good week

<3

Survival of the Prettiest.

Sometimes up here, I really let my self-esteem plummet. It's not always on purpose, it's just that being surrounded by model-worthy girls 24 hours a day can sometimes get to my head. I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form, but I feel like these beautiful, talented girls are so close to perfection. They seem to get all the attention from every guy, all eyes are on them when they walk into a room. Me? I feel like an porcupine entering a clown filled balloon factory. Maybe people stare at me, but definitely not in the way I'd want them too. 

Long story short, it's hard to remember who you are and what you're really here for. I AM NOT HERE TO GET MARRIED. I'm here to get an education, I'm here to follow my dreams. But man. It sure is hard waiting to get asked on a date. You think you'd get asked on one every other day up here, but your forgetting one thing! There are SEVERAL options for guys to choose from now. We're all Mormon. Done. Check that off the list! So basically that narrows it down to at least 4,000 girls to choose from. Kinda depressing.

BUT hey. What's a girl gotta do. Keep smiling I guess? Today was a much better scone day than the last (refer to previous posts to understand what scone day is). Just a lot of good things happened. Obviously something involving a guy did not go as planned the last couple hours, but it's all good. There are other men. I hope...

Tonight we had our presidency meeting. What for you ask?? Well, I've been called as the 1st counselor in the Relief Society:) Pretty exciting yeah? I'm really looking forward to working with everyone I met tonight. It's gonna be a great year.

Thank goodness there's only two days left til the weekend. Can't wait.

#foreveralone

Be Still.

Ether 12:6.
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for, and not seen, wherefore, dispute not, because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

That's the most ironic thing about faith. You don't know you really have it until a trial or hardship enters into your life. This past week has been very emotional and spiritually challenging for me and my friends.

This is Spencer Wright.

He is the kindest, funniest, and most handsome guy you've ever seen. This is us when he took me to Prom during junior year, and I had an awesome time. To this day I remember how after we had dinner, we started driving to the dance with all other couples behind us en route. We got to the freeway and kept driving for what felt like forever. Then finally I turned and said to him, "Spencer, what exit were we supposed to take?" He looked at me and smiled and said "Uhhh I'm not sure!" So we finally looked it up and realized we had missed it by about 6 miles. We just laughed it off while the twins called reprimanding Spencer for not paying attention. When we finally got to the dance, we had a great time. Spencer is a gentleman and always has been and always will be.

The reason this past week has been so hard is because about 8 days ago, Spencer had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital. After they took a cat scan, they found a tumor in the back of his head. Me and my friend Hunter received this news via text that day from some other friends. We were both shocked. Something like this should not happen to Spencer. He has never done anything to deserve this. These were our thoughts as we both quietly walked back to our dorms after slowly understanding the depth of the situation. The moment I got back to my dorm, I called up mom and started balling. I was so confused and shocked and so sad all at the same time. It was so much to take in. After a long talk of reassurance, I went back to my dorm. I had to be positive because I was so worried. (That's what I do best, worry about others.) I must have prayed 20 times that night. I kept having flashbacks of when my dad's dear friend, Dusty, had passed away from cancer. It was really frightening to be reliving those days, and having to wonder what would happen next.

Spencer needed to have surgery to remove the tumor. Hunter and I decided to Skype him one night, two nights before he had his surgery. It was so good to see his cheesy smile. He sounded so good, and he looked in good condition too. We proudly showed him off to people as they passed by, we were so excited to see him. As it got late, I decided to turn in. As I got in bed, I felt a little better knowing he was doing ok. It was a tender mercy to be able to talk to him before he went in.

I fasted Sunday morning for him. Hunter did too. So did at least a dozen other kids. The thing I love about this gospel is we are all so united, no matter what happens. Monday afternoon, he went in for surgery, and everything went well! Except for, they found that the tumor was not an expected 3 mm, but 8 mm. And they were unable to remove all the tumor, because it was too close to his primary motor cortex, which controls body movements. But he was safe, and that was all that mattered.

The next day was the first BYU football game. Me and Hunter were really excited to go and experience our first college game. We were all "whited out" and curled our hair. We found our seats were really nice, only 14 rows up from the field. As the seats filled in, Hunter motioned for me to look at the seat next to her. It was empty. "That one must be for Spence." I felt really sick all of a sudden. It was third quarter, with 5 minutes to go. "Let's go home, I don't feel good," I told her. She wanted to stick it out and make sure we didn't miss anything. So we stayed, and with a minute left in the game, Hunter received a text from one of the twins.

It said that Spencer was back in the hospital, and this time it was serious. His surgery had gone well, but when they released him from the hospital to go home, he started to have trouble breathing. He was rushed back to the hospital, where they found blood clots in his lungs. If you don't know what that means, let me spell it out for you. Blood clots = usually fatal. Hunter told me how her uncle had passed away from the same thing. We agreed to leave when the quarter ended, and once again, we found ourselves slowly walking back in silence, even though our minds were racing.

That night I couldn't stop crying. I called my mom and Diana this time, balling equal amounts of time I was on the phone with them. When I came back to my dorm, I prayed my guts out. This time though, I asked for peace. I asked for courage to accept what would happen. And I felt an immediate warmth rush over me as I sat there, still crying. I finally stopped and just let the warmth take over. It was such a great overwhelming feeling.

I know that God gives us trials to make us stronger. I know that faith is not what you say you have, but what you show in times of hardship and heartache. And I know that whatever happens, it will all be ok in the end. Many prayers will continue to go out to the Wright family.

We will not doubt, we will not fear, for fear is the opposite of faith.