Can't Sleep.

It's a curse, really. Being able to sit in bed and feel so exhausted but yet your brain runs around in circles. It probably has something to do with the fact that I've had the most bizarre dreams lately. For some reason, guys keep proposing to me! Not random ones either, very specific people. It's been driving me up the wall. I don't care how many people think that BYU is going to marry me off first semester- it won't happen. I've got so many things to do before that chapter in my life comes along! This book is just getting started!

Anyways. Great news, the rain came today! Not only that, but a haboob came right before it.
Haboob? What's a haboob, you may ask. Well, try imagining this- a larger-than-life, 100 feet tall cloud of swirling amounts of endless brown and black dust, so large and so ferocious that it can travel as fast as 1 foot per second and it can turn the day into night. Vivid enough for you? Well. it sure was for me when I am enjoying a nice sunny day and suddenly I see this ☟

Yeah, I wanted to run for my life too, luckily for me I was at home and not driving.

Right after the terror left, this came along ☟

Thank the heavens for rain in this hot dusty state.

I can only imagine what it would have been like for the pioneers who settled here before us. No air conditioning, no running water, no nothing.

Speaking of which, I just read an awesome book called "These is my Words." by Nancy Turner. Highly recommend it to those who enjoy Historical Fiction (one of my favorite genres.)

I think I can finally feel some sleep coming on. Wish me luck.

Fighting Nothing.

How often do you take a moment for yourself and sit and actually think?
Let me answer that question for you- Not enough.

Recently I've actually had several moments like these. The problem is, they make me angry. For some reason when I'm able to think for myself, I put myself down more. I get upset at lost opportunities, people I'm missing, and things I can't control. Not sure why I do that to myself...

I know I've made many mistakes in my lifetime, but the one that has been hanging over my head lately is this- I miss someone who was once close to me. One of my dearest friends. And the reason she's gone is because I pushed her away. I shut her out completely, and I blame myself for making her feel alone. Sometimes we don't know how good we've got it until it completely disappears... then reappears again. You know Taylor Swift's whole "Speak Now" motto? Well, that's one thing she's completely right about. Never hold back unspoken words, because they always end up working against you. I'm hoping that with time and some hard work, I can repair the damage I've done.

As the time gets closer and closer for me to leave, the feeling of uneasiness becomes stronger. I've always been a pretty independent girl, but will I be able to be completely independent? Am I really ready to take on the world like I think I am? Most likely, probably not. I feel really bad because I feel like I'm pushing my family out of the way, not because I want to leave them, but because I'm terrified of missing them so much. Especially my mom. Throughout my whole life my mom has been my number one fan, my best friend, my greatest advocate. I know she thinks sometimes I'm not listening, but she doesn't realize that I consider her counsel as priceless. She is truly the best of the best.

Ok. End Rant/Pity party. Trust me, I usually am an upbeat and positive person. Just letting the woes get the best of me. You know how lonely late nights are. Thank goodness for "And it came to pass, and not to stay."

Take my advice, kids. Speak now, not later, not sometime, not maybe.

"I'd rather have a life full of 'oh wells' than 'what ifs'."

You should too.

The Wait.

Three thousand, two hundred and eighty miles.

That's the never-ending distance between us. Soon it will be only 5 miles, but right after that it will be
642 miles. It's so surreal to be talking to him again, but it feels so right. Like a piece of me was put back into place. I can't explain the feeling; it's something you have to experience to understand. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I believe that. What they forget to mention is that distance makes the heart crave and yearn for that someone even more.

What irks me the most about the situation is the timing. Right before I go to college, before I move on into a new lifestyle, he comes back. It's the ultimate twist in my new story. And it's killing me. I've never been the person who likes surprise endings, especially in my own life. But now he's here...

And I don't want to leave.

Leaving my friends is already going to be tough, this just makes it that much worse.

He makes me so mad.
But he is so close to my heart.

Darn him and his devilish good looks.

We Learn From Our Mistakes.

I really hate it when I do something without thinking about it, and fail to think of the consequences of my actions.

I deleted my blog from my senior year. Nice huh?

Luckily for me, I didn't put forth too much effort into it, and only had about 10 posts. Go figure.
Nevertheless, I learned from my mistake and I guarantee this one will not face a similar fate.

Fate. That has been a frequent thought dancing through my brain lately. Ever since I was a kid, I knew without a doubt that every thing happens for a reason, every action will have a reaction. Do you ever wonder what "could have happened" had you not made a certain choice? I think we all do. We are only human, after all.
But I like to think God has a bigger plan for us then we could ever possibly dream of. In fact, I know he does. If I could have anything in the world, I truly wish that I could see as God sees, but in the sense that I understood what he understands. He is so good to me and I always wonder what he sees in me, and I only hope to become what he wants me to become.

This journey of fate is just beginning. This Fall, I will be attending Brigham Young University. Excited would be an understatement. I am so thrilled beyond words. When I was 12 years old I started talking about attending this school. I was extremely worried about not making the cut to get in, however. But I worked for it. I worked really hard for it. I studied for about a month and a half with a tutor before I took the ACT, and I tried my hardest to get the best grades I could muster. And lo and behold, the hard work paid off. I know that my scores weren't the best, but I knew that for some reason, whatever it may be, I have a purpose for going to BYU. I want to make a difference there, to leave a mark that will stay forever. In some way, no matter how small.

I dedicate this blog to all my experiences, my trials, my fears, my dreams, my hopes, my stories, my future.

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

Let the Crescendo begin.